it seems i need to vent again. ignore the capitalization errors im writing from my phone and apparently it doesnt allow me to put in the proper punctuation either.
today is starting out rough. i miss my family. i miss my little baby whos not going to be a baby but a toddler by the time i get out of here. i miss my husband not being so stressed out and crabby. i miss not being crabby.
whoever says bedrest is an easy break is a liar and fraud.
this morning when they put me on the monitor to check the babies and for any contractions i got mad. i got mad at my two innocent little girls because theyire keeping me away from my family. i know its not their fault. im just looking to blame someone or something.
im trying to stay positive but its so freaking hard. i feel like im in solitary confinement and am slowly going crazy. how would you feel if someon took away your personal freedom. you cant leave these four walls. you cant go outside. you cant take care of your son. i feel imprisoned.
i dont want to be pregnant anymore. i want to go home and paint and organize the nursery and put away their clothes and do what normal moms do. i want to be a mom to my son. a wife to my husband.
i dont want to sit here reading books and knitting baby hats and coloring posters and waiting for my next meal because it means 3 more hours has passed.
if i had known this was going to happen i dont know that i wouldve wanted anymore children. does that make me a bad person.
and i know its being selfish and bratty but there are things that i need here to keep me from losing it and no one has time to bring it. and i understand that. me being kept in here has added a lot of stress on everyone. but im stressed too. i juust want to get my stuff then everyone can stop worrying about me.
i just want to go back to normal. i want to go to burts pumpkin patch and take a family picture before the girls come. i want to enjoy caleb one on one before all of our lives change. i want to snuggle with dave on the lovesac and watch a movie. go out to the store just because i can.
i dont want this.
PICC Time
5 months ago
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1 comment:
I am so sorry Heather. I can't even imagine. I could guess, but never imagine. I wish I lived closer and could take care of whatever you need. I wish I could make it better for you. I wish so many things for you. I pray for you constantly and I hope someday you can look back on this and feel good about the sacrafice you're making to bring your sweet little girls into the world. Unfortunately when we decide to be mothers we become incubators, our lives kind of shut down for awhile and the babies take over. It totally sucks, but one day they'll be out and you'll be done and you won't feel this way anymore. Just keep counting down the minutes, because I'm sure each one feels like an eternity. I love you. I really am sorry you're suffering, it makes me sad. Have you had a blessing yet? You might need one daily, some days that is the only way I can manage. I pray you make it through.
Heidi
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