Excuse me while I lose my mind...

I need to rant. I am going freaking crazy. And it's only week one. I know all of the following rantings and ravings are that of a crazy person - but right now, I am crazy. And to become uncrazy, I need to spew. There may be foul language. I'm trying to stop - but sometimes it's the only way to express how I feel.

I WANT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOSPITAL!!!

I just spent 30 minutes in the bathroom texting my wrath to my husband. Then I spent another 45minutes in the hottest shower I could stand, balling my eyes out so much I lost a contact and I think every ounce of snot that was living in my sinuses. You know you're crazy when you SIT in a hospital shower. Hopefully I didn't contract any nasty diseases. I would have taken a bath, but it's only a 3x3ft shower stall. Then it took me another 5 minutes to get out of the shower because my legs had fallen asleep and my leg popped out of my hip a bit.

I want to have a 7-hour bubble bath. Uninterrupted. It keeps me sane. But...no tub.

My room is only 20x20 feet, with 2 windows. However, in one of the windows the blinds are broken so I only have light coming in from one window. It's depressing.

The volume control for the TV only works on one side rail - the side rail closest to the bathroom. So I either have to keep raising the side rail everytime the TV gets too loud, or I have to put it up and get out of the other side of the bed to go to the bathroom. I know it's not a huge deal, but it still pisses me off.

I still have goo from the IV tape on my arm. I've been trying to get it off since Sunday. So annoying.

I am not allowed out of my room. I can either sit, or lie in bed. That's it. I haven't breathed fresh air since Oct. 14th. And even then it wasn't a lot of fresh air because I was admitted to the hospital at 11am. And it's FALL - my favorite season.

I miss my son. I miss getting him out of the crib in the morning. I miss watching him push his walker around the house and yell "DADADADADADADA" over and over. I miss his slobbery kisses and him banging on the TV whenever there was music. I miss watching him crawl up and down the stairs and making sure I was watching him so I would make a big deal about it. Or how he'd "help" in the kitchen and pull all the cookie sheets and hot pads and sandwich baggies out, then put them all back one by one. Or how he squealed in delight whenever Harley would chase him around the house. Or his silly laugh at the dumbest things. His chunky little legs. I miss him.

I'm pissed that I can't take care of him. I'm mad that I have to find people to watch him. I want to watch him. He's MY son. I didn't have him just to have everyone else take care of him.

I don't want to be pregnant any more. I hate it. I'm done.

I think I'm going to leave here with an addiction to Ambien.

Today, Dr. Allen was supposed to check my cervix to see how things were going. But he didn't show up till 6:30 then told me he didn't have time to do it today. So, no wheelchair privileges for yet another day.

The medication they've put me on (Procardia) makes me feel like shit. Extreme headaches, constant heart palpitations, lightheadedness, blurry vision. But I try not to complain about it because the only other option is Magnesium and I REFUSE to go back on that crap.

It's hard to get a good night's sleep when someone is always barging into your room every 2 hours, taking your vitals every 4, and giving you the medicine from hell every 8.

I STILL have a bruise on my butt from the steroid shot I got a week ago.

I want to go home.